outgrowing stomach aches
a journal entry on navigating friendship changes as an autistic person
recently i’ve been pouring my energy into creative projects and specific friendships that feel mutual, supportive, and fulfilling. i feel so grateful to have several close friends who are also autistic, it provides a sense of mutual understanding and closeness that has been difficult for me to achieve. while i am thankful for creative opportunities and friendships that are going well, it comes along with grief for things that haven’t worked out. i wanted to share a little bit about that today.
last year, i focused heavily on finding an intentional, supportive community and i threw myself into any social relationship that presented an opportunity (in hopes i would find people whose values and friendship goals aligned with mine). in my attempt to build community, i confused people who wanted to have social plans together frequently as people who wanted to build supportive, and mutual friendships. this resulted in me developing friendships where i felt uncomfortable, hurt, used, and left out. and, even though i expressed when i felt hurt to those friends, i accepted invalidating responses and continued the friendships instead of reevaluating the relationship. i always had a stomach ache when i was spending time with those people. looking back, i now recognize that having a stomach ache often indicates something is wrong for me. i am learning to listen to and trust my body’s cues.
over the past few months, i’ve been reflecting on the patterns i fell into with those friendships last year. by focusing on creative projects and on other friendships in my life that make me feel supported, my self-worth has improved immensely. i’ve outgrown wanting to please people who’ve been unkind to me. and i’ve distanced myself from people who’ve actively sought out friendships with those who they know have been unkind to me. i’ve also distanced myself from people who are primarily interested in surface-level connections, being liked by everyone, and social opportunities (parties to go to, etc.) and often sacrifice their own values and perspectives to achieve those social goals. i’m realizing it’s okay to have expectations for friends and that doesn’t mean i’m asking too much. it just means that i might not be a good friendship match with someone because we have different needs and expectations for the relationship.
i’ve been feeling sad about some social things not working out, but i know in the future i will look back and feel grateful to have outgrown certain environments and people. even though it hurts a lot right now, i know it’s for the best. i am grateful to know what i need and that i am able to trust my intuition and lived experiences. i have struggled with second guessing myself in the past, and i am always working on prioritizing listening to myself more intentionally.
i am grateful that having a large social/friend group isn’t something that is important to me anymore. as an autistic person, i think it’s always been an idealized vision in my head to have a large social group that spends all their time together. i’ve spent most of my life wishing i could have a large friend group like i saw many of my peers having, but i have recently accepted that i will always end up feeling left out in those environments. i will always end up having a stomach ache at those hangouts. i am much more comfortable and happy cultivating strong one-on-one friendships than having a large social group where i don’t feel like i can be myself or don’t feel deeply connected to anyone. i am grateful to my close friends who make me feel seen, heard, and supported as i’m navigating changes and decisions recently. i feel so lucky.
i will be writing another newsletter soon with some creative updates! for now, thank you for being here for the diaristic, contemplative, and not-entirely-perfect side of things <3 i feel it’s important to be open about more than just the highlights in my life.
take care everyone.
